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[guitar_hero]

Hallo! This is me. Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me. Or, you know, just leave a message

voice/text/action

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Voice / April 20th / Locked

[guitar_hero]

You bet. Can barely remember my name in the morning. [he gets the joke but he can't quite add the same enthusiasm]

Voice / April 20th / Locked

[bigbadrose]

It's Spock.

[That's fine, it's a decent enough segue back to serious shit she needs to tell him.]

Fluffy actually gave me your true name. So I could find you easier through the Medusa Cascade. Then he went and forgot it. Then gave it to me again anyway.

[Quiet again for a bit.] He finally... accidentally admitted why that all was.

'Pparently he lied that first time. About me an' Jack. Said he'd rather be dead than have to watch me be with someone else... [Bitter laughs and pulls a pillow over her head.] It's so stupid. I would never have slept with Jack if he just--

[Q u i e t.]

Voice / April 20th / Locked

[guitar_hero]

[well he is not surprised by any of that, though he wishes he could be. He's glad this is voice so she couldn't see him roll his eyes at that. At grown Time Lord, an aged one at that, pretending he was some teenager unable to let go, to desperate to hold onto anything]

He needs to get over himself. He wants everything and can't have it and throws a tantrum and blames emotions.

[none of which is helpful to hear, he supposes. He sighs]

Sorry you're caught up in it. It was never supposed to be this way, you know.

Voice / April 20th / Locked

[bigbadrose]

[She's just... quiet.]

[SOooooooooooooooooo bloody quiet.]

[And she is also glad it's voice because he can't see her silent tears of frustration and pain that would only make things worse if he knew.]

S'fine.

[Only mumbled word when she finally says anything.]

I was... really happy. At first.

Um.

[God this is killing her. Why is she doing this to herself yet again?]

[She doesn't want this conversation, she wants to run awaaaaaaaaaaaay. So far away.]

When I thought he just... wanted me that much.

Yeah.

[TRIES FOR A HALF SMILE AND LAUGH BUT DOESN'T QUITE MANAGE THE LAUGH, just that Awful WRY RUEFUL SO MUCH CHOCK FULL OF RUE tone.]

I'm kind of an idiot, yeah?

[It's fine, because he's worse.]

[UGH SHE IS SO GLAD HER TEARS ARE 100000% siiiilent.]

Voice / April 20th / Locked

[guitar_hero]

Love makes fools of us all. [....that probably wasn't the right thing to say in retrospect. But there is no good thing to say. Nor is it good to remain quiet.]

But you're not an idiot, Rose Tyler. None of this is easy.

Voice / April 20th / Locked

[bigbadrose]

[He doesn't waaaaaaaant her.]

[Ten needs to be loved by eeeeeeeeeeeveryone....]

[Rose just wants to roll around in ciiiiirrrrcles on the flooooor.]

[In fact, 12 will hear this in the background.]

[Crop circles in the carpet, sinking feeling, spin me round again...]

[And then she realizes it's the TARDIS doing that, not just all in her head, and Rose snaps her fingers to turn it off for now.]

[LATER.]

[Although he'll still hear "Hide and seeeeeeek" as the TARDIS' note of protest, but at least it cut off before MM WHATCHA SSAAAAAY, THAT YOU ONLY MEANT WELL, WELL OF COURSE YOU DID.]

[DON'T MAKE HER GO OUTSIDE TARDIS, SHE WILL!!!]

[... She should... actually talk.]

[BRB MAKING CROP CIRCLES IN HER CARPET.]

[And when she does speak... she just sings:]

Mm whatcha saaaay; that you only meant well, well of course you did.

[Thanks TARDIS.]

[But she's able to find some of her anger again and in this case, she NEEDS THAT FIRE FUCK YOU IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT. SHE'LL TAKE IT OVER SAD AND PATHETIC EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK, TA!!!]

I haven't been able to play bass since that night. Mirajane initiated me into the guild and wanted me to play with her, and I bloody well can't.

I'm not saying that to upset you or nuffin'! It's just... you don't get it. You don't get it at all.

I didn't be all pathetic without you, because it was you.

I did it, because it was me. Because I didn't want anyone else. I didn't want to settle for second best! And I still don't! I still don't want to get on stage with my adopted sister and pretend I can smile or jam with anyone but you!

[Deep breath. Back to sad.] Okay TARDIS, finish 'er out.

[And the TARDIS finishes the song :V]

Look. Well. Listen, yeah?

What I said. 'Bout me and Jack not moving on. It's not... I'm not mad that you did. I'd be a billion times more hurt if you couldn't. If you hadn't. If you didn't get married and have a life after Rose Tyler, okay? Yeah??? That's why I get so scared when you say you're tired, because... [Shudders, even on the floor.] Well. It does. It scares me. A lot. [Cries, audibly this time.] Because then when you say things like... how it wasn't better without me or you can't survive without me, or like Fluffy when he's all, would rather be dead without me...

[Deep breath and sniffles. SHE IS OKAY. GIVE HER A MOMENT.]

[DEEP BREATH.] It makes me think I buggered it up beyond repair. Letting you push me to stay with Meta and just... I can't... deal with it. Okay? Even now. Even when I'm not so angry anymore -- and I'm not, I'm really not. Mostly. Just when I gotta be again, yanno? [Sniffle.] So it's not...

[GULPS DEEP BREATH AGAIN.] Have a good life, have a fantastic life without me and forget me and all that. You know I can't forgive if you evar forgot, no matter how much it hurts, because I sure as hell know I deserve better'n that and I wouldn't ever do that with you. [HUFF, sigh, okay letting go of the anger and sads again.] But if things aren't as good as you can make them be without me, then isn't it my place to try to do my best to make it better???

Tell me if I'm wrong.

[Mmmmm whatcha saaaaaay...]

Voice / April 20th / Locked

[guitar_hero]

[he doesn't understand the last part at all. He represses a sigh and runs a hand over his face, ruffles his hair then realizes what he's doing and hates himself just a little]

Whatever else, Rose that I'm tired is mostly because I'm old. Very old. I'm just tired.

I don't-- I don't know what you want me to say or do. That's your decision.

Voice / April 20th / Locked

[bigbadrose]

No. It's not.

What you do is you. What I DO? What I say? That's me. That's my choice.

I don't want you to say or do what you think I want you to. I want you to say and do what you want. How is that so hard?

Voice / April 20th / Locked

[guitar_hero]

It doesn't matter because you're never satisfied with whatever answer I give. And then that idiot blows it all up again. But fine, I want -- I want-- I don't know. Something. Anything.

[why is he even-- This is just going to go-- it doesn't matter either way. It's not going to end.But maybe for now. He cuts the feed.]

April 20th / Locked // Text

[bigbadrose]

[Sigh.]

You can't control my reactions. So don't try. You can control YOUR ACTIONS. Yourself, not your past. You individually.

Tell me what you want and stop worrying about my reaction. I'm going to react however I please, that's not for you to decide. If you want to die, I'm going to be upset, sure, but understand, that's on me, not you for telling me. If you want to avoid me?

I'll give you that.

I spent 9 months angry as hell, because you either didn't do what you wanted and lied to me again (for what I thought was the first time! -- Only found out here it wasn't, and that compounded it, okay) or I'm just an idiot who threw away everything because I'm too absolutist.

And again? That's on me, Doctor. Not you.

So just say and do what you want. There will be consequences and fallout, but that's part of being free do what you want. I ran away with you and messed things up big for Mum and Mickey, but it was still worth it. Not doing what you want out of fear for others is why I said no the first time you invited me, and it only took a split-second before I wished I was reckless enough to do what I really wanted all along.

So just say it, yeah?

- Love,
Rose Tyler
-<-@

[See, it's a rose! :V]

[And she's aware he might not email back, but whatever, at least she tried.]

[She put the ball back in his court again. And that makes her feel better at least.]

[Even if she is still letting the TARDIS serenade her with Imogen Heap and making crop circles in the carpet.]

[AS YOU DO.]

April 20th / Locked // Text

[guitar_hero]

[he has. A thousand times. And if he does again it'll be alright for a while until the same argument comes back. As if he doesn't know there will be consequences. But she's too good for him. She deserves better or so she's said a thousand times. So let her do what she wants. Let her think what she wants. He doesn't care]